Bird's the Word
by Arctic Banana
Summary: While shopping with Bonecrusher, Brawl buys a box of used records. He then procedes to drive the other Decepticons crazy when a certain annoying record ends up on repeat...


My sister gave me the idea for this when we were watching a certain episode of _Family Guy_. Can any of you guess which one? XD You can probably guess which bands/genres I loathe during the part with the "Annoying Music" (with the exception of Hilary Hahn...I've never even heard her music. I only put her in there because her name is Hilary; you'll see why).

Lyrics used are from: _Surfin' Bird _by The Trashmen

* * *

Bonecrusher wandered around town, trying to shake his self-proclaimed "best friend", Brawl. He'd been doing a ton of weird stuff trying to scare him away, but to his disappointment, eating food off the sidewalk, talking to invisible people who weren't really there (he named his imaginary friend "Daddy"), and asking a guy in a hardware store how well a particular saw cut through solid bone didn't seem to phase him. It was like Brawl was so used to his mannerisms that he was beginning to accept him for who he was instead of fearing him. My, how Bonecrusher hated that.

Finally, Bonecrusher got irritated and spun around. "Why?! Why are you following me?! Because I swear, if you're stalking me, I _will _stab you!" he threatened, his paranoia evident in his tone.

Brawl backed up defensively. "I just wanted to spend the day with my best friend…"

"I'm not your friend!" Bonecrusher snapped. "What ever gave you the impression that I was?!"

"You beat up that kid that picked on me at nursery school when we were sparklings," Brawl replied.

"That had nothing to do with you! I only did it because he dropped ice cream on my foot!" Bonecrusher pointed out. Brawl's optics started to get watery. Noticing the old ladies not minding their business nearby, Bonecrusher decided that he really didn't want Brawl to make a scene, least he got knocked out with a Granny Bag for making the poor guy cry. "Okay, okay, here's the deal… I'll do something with you real quick, and then you leave me alone for the rest of the day, got it?" Brawl's entire face lit up with happiness. Bonecrusher could swear he saw a gay-ass rainbow, complete with sparkles and unicorns in the background. "Okay, yeah… You can't be doing that if you want to be in public with me."

"Oh…okay. No happy face. Got it," Brawl nodded.

"So where do you want to go?" Bonecrusher inquired, wanting to get this horrible experience over with as soon as possible. He wasn't really much of a social person, especially when Brawl was involved.

"Let's go to the mall!" Brawl replied giddily.

"Okay, one store in the mall. Got it? Choose wisely." Brawl jumped ten feet in the air and grabbed Bonecrusher's arm, roughly dragging him behind him as he made his way towards the mall.

* * *

"Okay, so which store do you want to hit?" Bonecrusher asked, staring at a poster on a store window advertising _Saw: The Musical_.

"Hmm…" Brawl looked around. _Let's see… Pets… Books… Ooh! "Annoying Music Store"! I wonder what they sell? _"Let's go in that one!"

Bonecrusher looked where he was pointing. "Annoying Music Store? I wonder if they have Hilary Duff?" Brawl grabbed his hand and dragged him towards the door.

A very bored-looking teenager greeted them at the door. "Hi, welcome to the Annoying Music Store. If you're wondering why I look homicidal, it's because the store manager decided to keep up with the store's reputation and has been alternating between playing the Village People and the West Side Story soundtrack over the speakers for the past three weeks," he said in a monotone voice.

Y.M.C.A. blasted through the speakers, causing Bonecrusher's optic to twitch. "Can we hurry?"

Brawl looked through the sections labeled "Country", "Bluegrass", and "Fall Out Boy". "Hmm… These are some interesting albums…"

Bonecrusher glanced over at a section to his left. "Hey, look! Hilary Duff…Hilary Hahn… Hillary _Clinton?_"

Brawl noticed a box sitting on a stool located in between the Paris Hilton and Soulja Boy sections. "Hey, what's that?" he asked the unamused kid who worked there.

"Those would be records. They're buy one, get one free," he replied in his usual monotone.

Brawl sifted through it. "How much for the whole box?"

"$40."

"Ooh! I'll take 'em!" He leaned over towards Bonecrusher and whispered, "Can I borrow $40?" Bonecrusher sighed and leant him the money. "Yay!"

Bonecrusher quickly rushed him out of the store when "I Feel Pretty" started playing.

* * *

Barricade was relaxing on the couch, listening to _Another Brick In The Wall _on the stereo. He sighed when the door slammed wide open, caused a loud _BANG!_, knocked a plate off the wall, and then swung back as soon as Brawl was out of the way and hit Bonecrusher in the face.

"Ah! My noeth!" Bonecrusher whimpered, holding his face.

Brawl quickly turned off the stereo, causing a great deal of irritation from Barricade's vicinity. "Hey! Turn that back on! I was listening to Pink Floyd!" he snapped.

Blackout stuck his head in from the other room. "Yeah! I was too!"

"Barricade, you have to see what I got!" Brawl said excitedly, plopping down next to him. "Look! Look! Look!"

Barricade reached into the box and pulled out a record, held it close to his face, then held it back out again, examining it. "What the hell is it? A ghetto Frisbee?"

"No, it plays music, like your CD's!" Brawl replied.

Blackout took another one out of the box and attempted to shove it into the second CD slot on the stereo. "It doesn't fit…"

"That's because you need a special player to listen to them. Luckily, I happened to find one that I bought with money I borrowed from Bonecrusher!" Brawl set a record player on the table. "Watch!" He pulled the record out of Barricade's hand and placed it on the turntable. Seconds later, everyone but Brawl was stunned silent when _Rock Lobster_ started playing.

"You blew money on this?" Blackout asked.

"Yeah, really. I mean look at all this stuff! All the music in here is crap- Hey! I take that back!" Barricade said excitedly, pulling a Pink Floyd album out of the box. He waited to make sure that Brawl was too distracted, dancing along like an idiot to _Rock Lobster, _and slipped the record into his subspace, then stood up and walked away, whistling innocently.

"Hmm? What's that?" Brawl suddenly said when the title of a song caught his attention. He pulled it out and switched it with _Rock Lobster_.

_A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird/B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word_

"Oh my gosh! This is like the best song I've ever heard!" Brawl said excitedly.

Blackout found he couldn't move from the shock. Slowly, his head moved downwards until his glare was fixated on Bonecrusher. "Oh, great…" Bonecrusher sighed. "Megatron's gonna kill me for this one."

* * *

_A-well-a don't you know about the bird?/Well, everybody's talking about the bird!/A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word_

Barricade started drooling as he stared ahead in a psychotic daze. Blackout was lying across the floor right in front of the couch, not even caring that Barricade had his feet propped up on him and was banging his head on the ground. Bonecrusher's insanity medications didn't seem to be working anymore, as they could both hear him laughing manically in the other room. Starscream walked into the room and stood in the doorway, not even sure what he wanted to say.

_Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow/Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow/Well don't you know about the bird?_

"Why?" he finally asked, feeling mech fluids leaking out his audio receptors.

"Because Primus hates us," Blackout replied. Bonecrusher stumbled in and collapsed against the side of the couch, drinking a juice box. He twitched when the record ended and Brawl restarted it. "It's Boner's fault for giving Brawl the money for the damn ghetto Frisbees in the first place, you should be asking him!" he snapped accusingly.

"Okay, then… Bonecrusher, why?" Starscream asked.

Bonecrusher stopped drinking his juice box and stared straight ahead. "Do you think I'm pretty?" he asked before giving Starscream a psychotic smile.

"That's why I didn't ask him," Starscream replied. "He's fucking insane."

"Make it stop!" Barricade begged, beginning to sob.

"I agree with Barricade! The ghetto Frisbee needs to go!" Blackout sat up. "We need to get that thing away from Brawl, and we need to put it somewhere where the archaeologists will never find it in a million years!"

"For once, I think I'm siding with you," Starscream nodded. "Bonecrusher? What about you?"

"I like milk," Bonecrusher replied.

* * *

Barricade knocked on Brawl's bedroom door. He opened the door, revealing the music to be much louder than it sounded from the living room. "Yes?"

"I can't do this… Blackout!" Barricade screamed around the corner as he hurried away to escape the sound.

Blackout glared at him as he walked past. He looked back at Brawl and gave him a faux smile. "Hey, Brawl! Just comin' to inform you that there's free barbeque chicken in the kitchen," he enticed him with his favorite food.

"CHICKEN!!" Brawl said excitedly, running out the room and down towards the kitchen.

Starscream stood watch at the stairs to make sure the coast was clear and looked back at Blackout. "He's in the kitchen! Go! Go! Go!"

Blackout rushed into Brawl's room and used a pair of tongs to remove the record from the turntable and placed it in a Ziploc bag. "I've got it! Run!" They both raced off to dispose of it.

* * *

Barricade was in the kitchen eating a bowl of Lucky Charms when Brawl came down. He looked around the room. "Where's the chicken?"

"On the plate," Barricade replied.

"And where's the plate?"

"Under the chicken."

Brawl's optics narrowed. "Thanks for the help, Barricade."

"No problem," he shrugged.

Brawl looked around the kitchen for the food. "Hey! There's no chicken in here! Blackout lied to me…" Feeling a bit angry, he made his way back to his room. All was silent. Then… "AAUGH!!!!"

* * *

Brawl went around wallpapering the lounge with "Lost Record" posters. Soundwave looked less than amused when he woke up from his nap to find posters plastered all over his chassis. Brawl chased after Thundercracker, trying to staple a poster to his aft.

Bonecrusher pulled a poster off his face. "Even Daddy thinks this is getting kind of nuts," he grumbled, nodding to the empty seat beside him.

"For once, Bonecrusher's imaginary friend seems to have a point," Starscream replied.

Bonecrusher gave him a sideways glance. "What do you mean, Daddy's imaginary?" He looked over at the empty seat. "He looks pretty real to me." The fact that Bonecrusher seemed dead serious worried everyone else.

Starscream scooted away from him. "Remind me to take a look at your medications later."

"No, I don't want to donate my paycheck to the "Help Find Surfin' Bird" foundation!" Barricade snapped. "Go away!"

"But Barricade, what if you lost your Nirvana CD's? Wouldn't you want someone to donate to a cause to help find them?" Brawl reasoned.

"If I give you a quarter, will you leave me alone?"

"Deal."

Barricade slipped him a quarter and went to join the others on the couch, sitting in "Daddy's" seat. He seemed confused when everyone looked at him in shock and worry. "What? Why is everyone staring at me like that?" He had a feeling he didn't want to look to his left when he realized that Bonecrusher was there.

* * *

After about a week, Brawl seemed to begin to come to terms with the loss of his favorite record. Bonecrusher's medications were beginning to work again, and Barricade was free to listen to his stereo without interruption. The only one who seemed to be out of it was Brawl, who was still a bit mopey. Currently, he was out back having a funeral for his record by burying the cover (the only part of it he had left) in a shallow grave.

Barricade cranked up Slipknot to drown out his sobbing. "So, Blackout, did you hear the Eagles lost the game?"

"Yep. Beaten by the Cardinals…who knew?" Blackout shrugged.

"The Rams are probably beating themselves up for getting rid of Warner," Barricade nodded.

"Why are we talking about football?" Blackout inquired.

"I dunno…especially since I don't think that unknown higher power that makes us do stupid things even likes football," he replied.

"HEY GUYS! Guess what Scorponok and I found buried in the backyard!" Brawl called excitedly into the living room.

_A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird/B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word_

"Fuckin' A!!" Barricade slammed his head down on the side table.

* * *

_A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word/A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word_

"Did you have to bring that thing into battle with you?!" Bonecrusher snapped.

"Yes! Warfare's better with a soundtrack!" Brawl replied, looking out over the trench and firing a missile towards the Autobots.

"But that song's going to make them want to kill us even more!" Bonecrusher pointed out, pulling Brawl down before he got hit with bullets.

"I'm sure they can't even hear it from over there," Brawl protested. He pulled the pin out of a grenade and tossed it towards an enemy trench.

"Not them, the other Decepticons!" Bonecrusher nodded towards their comrades, who were all glaring in their general direction. One of them cocked a pulse rifle in warning.

Barricade slammed his head against the trench wall. "You know what, I can't take this anymore! Move!" He climbed out of the trench and bolted across the battlefield, running around land mines, dodging shrapnel, and avoided an exploding Autobot, and dove into an Autobot trench. "Jazz, quick! What are you listening to?!"

Jazz glanced nervously at his MP3 player and then back at Barricade. "Um… Soundgarden?"

"That works!" He snatched Jazz's headphones and went into a euphoric trance when he could hear something other than Surfin' Bird. He ignored the fact that the other Autobots were looking at him funny, wondering what they should do about a Decepticon in their trench.

Jazz tapped on Barricade's shoulder. "Cade, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay! Brawl bought a fragging box of records, and there's this one that he keeps playing, and it's frickin' driving us all crazy!" Barricade snapped.

"He's got a box of records? Ya know, I collect records…" Jazz replied.

Barricade was silently pondering. "Really?" He nodded. "Do you want them? You can have the entire box except for Pink Floyd. That one's mine!"

Jazz shrugged. "Yeah sure, I'll take them."

The Decepticons watched from across the front line with confusion as Barricade danced around the battlefield like a bad 80's music video. "Is he doing the Macarena?" someone asked.

* * *

"You hear that, Blackout?" Barricade asked. "Pure…silence…"

They both sighed, enjoying the absence of Surfin' Bird. "Well, it'll be quieter once Brawl stops sobbing," Blackout added, listening to him wailing in his room.

"Yep." Barricade leaned peacefully back against the couch. "Now watch as I celebrate the silence with four solid hours of Pantera! HOO-HAH!!" he cheered, pushing the button on the stereo remote.

"WHOO!!" Blackout joined his cheering.

* * *

"Hey guys! You'll never guess what I got!" Jazz announced excitedly.

Bumblebee pulled a record out of the box. "What the hell is it? Some kind of a ninja weapon?"

"No! Watch!" Jazz put one of the records on the turntable.

_A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird/B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word_


End file.
